


Never Fade Away

by feministdean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amnesiac Castiel, Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Mechanic Dean, Professor Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 09:04:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8007280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feministdean/pseuds/feministdean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel gets into a car accident and loses his memory. While Dean tries to navigate their life as smoothly as possible, it's hard when his husband only has two weeks until he forgets their world again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Fade Away

Things could have been worse. Castiel could have had terminal cancer, HIV, or multiple sclerosis and Dean ran the same list of incurable diseases in his mind when he woke up to remind himself of that fact every day. Things could have been worse.

Castiel was in a car accident three months ago coming home from work. It had to be one of the worst nights of Dean’s life and when he showed up at the hospital to find out that his husband had extensive brain damage among other things, panic rushed through him. When Castiel was put in a medically induced coma, Dean wanted to stay every night until it was all over. Sam brought him home instead until Castiel was woken up three days later.

Dean dressed in Castiel’s favorite flannel of his and cleaned his boots three times before he left. He stopped himself when he passed a flower shop and promised that he wouldn’t buy any until Castiel came home. When he arrived at the hospital and walked into Castiel’s room he wasn’t phased that his physician and nurse were checking vital signs, but he was once he locked eyes with Castiel.

His husband’s brows knitted while his eyes hardened. “Excuse me, but who are you?”

It had been three months since the accident and things could have been worse.

Castiel was diagnosed with retrograde and anterograde amnesia. At first, he had been resistant to the therapy and medication and although the physician told him that it was normal because his husband was still adjusting to the surroundings without any memory, it was still hard. Castiel finally warmed up to Dean after three days of coming home and while they watched television and ate meals together, a heaviness in the air stayed in their house. He couldn’t even imagine what Castiel must have felt.

The first few weeks were rough as they tried to get the hang of things and Castiel was out on paid leave from his job at the university until further notice. Dean took a short stint off of work from Singer Salvage’s to help him adjust and write down important information in a notebook that they kept in the living room.

There were so many rules, too. Dean had to make sure Castiel slept in the guest room because he would panic whenever he woke up, Castiel had to have the notebook in close reach at all times and Dean couldn’t kiss Castiel under any circumstance because he was basically a stranger to his husband. It was the worst rule out of all of them. Castiel was the quietest during these few weeks and Dean’s heart ached so much because of it.

The biggest breakthrough happened a month ago when Castiel woke him up. Dean remembered that it was 7:28 on a Saturday morning and Castiel’s bedhead was wild and his smile was so _happy_.

“Dean, I remember,” Castiel smiled. “I finally remember some of our wedding and our first apartment and you.”

“Really?” Dean’s heartbeat rattled in his ears and his mind raced when Castiel nodded. He felt tears sting the corner of his eyes and pulled his husband closer. “Oh my god.”

Castiel’s knowledge of art history came back to him the same day, too. Dean used to get so annoyed when Castiel rambled on about Frida Kahlo and the golden age of Dutch art. But now, he listened to Castiel with rapt attention because it reminded him of their life before the accident. It was such a monumental step for them that they went out to celebrate that night.

Although Castiel went back to work the next week, Dean watched as his husband’s memory of him slowly faded again.

“You’re not my husband. I’m not married,” Castiel’s brows scrunched together when Dean came home from work one night. “You need to go or I’ll call the police.”

“Cas, please,” Dean said, staying in the entryway of the kitchen. He knew better than to walk closer to Castiel when things like this happened and the time his husband grabbed a knife came to mind. “Just call Gabriel if you don’t believe me.”

Dean kept his eyes on Castiel’s and when they trailed to his husband’s hands, he noticed they were shaking slightly. He was scared. Castiel’s eyes stayed on Dean and grabbed his phone on the kitchen island that sat between them.

“Stay there. I’m calling him and if you make a move, I’ll… I’ll.”

Dean just nodded and put his hands up. “Alright. I’ll stay here.”

This was normal. This was their reality and things could have been worse.

Castiel’s fear started to dissipate a few days later as his hazy memory of Dean slowly resurfaced. While his memory of their wedding never came back, it was progress. Dean wasn’t sure what it was, the medication, therapy or Castiel’s willingness, but his husband started to open up more.

“I don’t want to be this way,” Castiel began one night while they watched television together. “Some days I feel so helpless and afraid. I wake up and I’m lonely Dean, and I vaguely remember you but it’s still… different.”

Dean nodded. “We’ll get through this together.”

“I’m exhausted and I feel like a burden,” Castiel said with tired eyes. “I know you constantly tell me I’m not but I still feel that way. I can barely accomplish anything without writing it down and I can’t remember your brother’s name for the life of me or even something simple like your favorite dessert or-”

Dean cut him off. “It’s pie.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed. “What?”

“My favorite dessert is pie,” Dean said. He turned to the side table and rummaged through the drawer until he found the red notebook that read - _PLEASE READ ME_. “Why don’t you ask me things and I’ll write the answers down so you’ll always have ‘em?”

Castiel paused for a moment. “Okay, we can do that.”

Dean nodded and started writing _‘things about dean’_ on the top of the page until Castiel interrupted. “No, wait. Can I write it? Your writing-”

“No, no, I get it,” Dean said as he gave the notebook and pen to Castiel while a memory popped in his mind. “You used to call it chicken scratch,” he continued with a smile when Castiel blushed. “It was the first thing you said to me, actually. We met in our religions class junior year in college and we were partnered up for some group activity. I started writing something, I think it was my name on the paper, and you said that it looked like chicken scratch so you’d do the writing.”

“Did I really say that to you?” Castiel asked and his eyes widened with concern when Dean nodded. “I sound like an asshole.”

“Well,” Dean shrugged as his smile faded. “It got my attention and now… we’re here.”

Castiel nodded. “We’re here.”

Dean cleared his throat when he felt the heaviness fall back into the room. “So, what do you want to ask me?”

Neither of them realized that the question would pull them into a two-hour discussion about the past sixteen years of their life together. Waves of nostalgia coursed through Dean as he retold the story of how they met, their wedding and reception, their honeymoon in Maui, and countless other memories.

He was also surprised that Castiel stayed interested and kept asking questions, the notebook was long forgotten, because he had gotten used to the Castiel that closed off after he talked too much about life before the accident. Dean had even gotten out the photo albums when he talked about their wedding.

“There’s Gabe, Anna,” Dean said as he pointed to each person in the photograph. It was one of the photographs from their photoshoot before the reception. He and Castiel were in the middle while their siblings stood on their sides with wide smiles. “Then you, me, Sam, and Jess. She’s Sam’s wife and such a badass. You love her.”

“It looks nice and we look so happy,” Castiel yawned as he covered his mouth while he looked at the picture. “I bet it’s one of the happiest moments of your life.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean said. “It was.”

Castiel glanced up from the picture and to Dean. “Are you happy now?”

Dean sighed as he looked up. “Cas…”

“No, no. I’m curious,” Castiel said, his eyes searching. “Are you? Are you happy?”

“I…” Dean said as he took Castiel’s soft demeanor, his heart beating against his chest. “I’m not happy with what we’ve been handed,” he continued when Castiel’s eyes softened. “but when I realize that you’re still here alive and in one piece then I see that there’s so still so much to be happy about. So yeah, I’m happy.”

“Hmm,” Castiel yawned again then put the notebook and pen on the coffee table. “I think I’m gonna go to bed. I’m tired.”

“Are you?” Dean asked before Castiel stood up. “Are you happy?”

Castiel took a moment to respond. “I’m happy that I have a husband that’s willing to stay with me and be so kind even though I still don’t remember much of anything and I’m glad that it’s you.”

"Well, good,” Dean said as his heart swelled because it had to be the sweetest thing Castiel had said to him since the accident. “I’ll see you in bed in a few. I still need to clean up some things.”

Castiel nodded then headed out of the room and up the stairs. Dean watched him for a moment then grabbed the notebook and flipped it open, taking in the list and Castiel’s neat cursive.

  1. _He loves cars (especially his “baby”, the impala), and pie - his favorite flavor is apple_
  2. _Sam is his younger brother, he’s a lawyer, and they’re very close_
  3. _He’s allergic to cats :( (maybe try for a dog?)_
  4. _He doesn’t like dogs. Try for a guinea pig… or maybe a fish._
  5. _He loves Dr. Sexy M.D. and larping. (Look up what larping is and write it down)_
  6. _He loves classic rock and his favorite band is Led Zeppelin_
  7. _He’s terrified of flying (he calls planes “metal death tubes”)_
  8. _He loves Vonnegut and literature in general._
  9. _Charlie Bradbury is his best friend_
  10. _He loves you so much_



A smile spread across Dean’s lips. Things could have been worse.

Dean had gone back to work two weeks later and the shop had been his only safe space since the accident and he relished in the fact every day. The cars were parked in the same spot in the garage, the tools were always in labeled boxes on the shelves, and Bobby and Benny arrived and left the same time every day. No mess or fuss.

Because of that, he was thrown off when he got a phone call from Castiel as he worked on a car.

“Dean,” Castiel said, his voice wracked with emotion and fear. “I… I don’t know where I am. I was driving home and I turned a corner and just…”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” Dean’s eyes stayed on the engine as another sob escaped Castiel. While his heart pounded in his ears, he looked away from the car and walked into Bobby’s office. “Can you read me some signs so I can figure out where you are?” he opened Bobby’s door, mouthed _“Cas!”_ then made his way to the Impala as fast as he could. “I’m staying on the phone with you until I get there. Can you breathe slowly with me?”

Castiel was a couple of miles from home parked outside a small organic grocery store. Dean kept his eyes on him as he drove into the parking lot and didn’t have much time to think as Castiel embraced him in a hug when he got out of the Impala. He felt Castiel’s racing heart as he laid his face on his chest.

“I’m here, it’s okay,” Dean said, hugging him tighter and running a hand through his hair. It used to be one of the only ways Dean could get Castiel to relax in stressful situations. He hadn’t done it since the accident. “You’re alright.”

“I’m so sorry,” Castiel said, looking up at Dean with teary eyes. “I didn’t mean to. I just thought-”

“It’s okay. Accidents happen,” Dean said into Castiel’s hair. “Let’s go home, okay?”

Castiel nodded as he ran his hand down Dean’s arm and held his hand. Things could have been worse.

Their life slowly filled with lists, notes, and Post-Its around the house for Castiel. Dean gave up the idea that Castiel’s memory would return soon and tried to embrace the solid two weeks where Castiel remembered him until it faded again.

“We should go to the beach today,” Castiel said as they ate breakfast that Saturday morning. He took another bite of eggs. “I want to see the water.”

“Yeah, yeah, we can do that,” Dean said, taking a sip of coffee. “We can go to the one by Navy Pier.”

They arrived at the beach an hour later. It was less crowded than usual and Dean led the way to find a spot. Castiel took off his shirt, waited until Dean did the same, and smiled when he did.

Flushing, Dean said. “Not my fault that Karen’s muffins are delicious.”

“I love your tummy,” Castiel said, looking over at Dean as his propped himself up on his elbows. “It’s cute. I’m not complaining.”

Dean huffed for a moment until he smiled. It was quiet for a few moments until Dean cleared his throat. They talked or laid next to each other in silence and whenever they did, Dean laid on his side to take him in. Castiel looked so relaxed, breathing at a steady pace, and Dean was always surprised when his eyes trailed to his ring finger to see that his wedding band was still there. He hadn’t taken it off once after the accident.

“I love the sound of the water,” Castiel said, breaking the silence. “And the seagulls. I love feeling the sun on me, too. It’s peaceful and for this moment, I don’t have to worry about remembering anything at all.”

“That sounds nice.”

“It is,” Castiel opened his eyes and looked at Dean with a squint. “Do you want to do it with me?”

Dean nodded and laid down. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He tried to push all of his worrying thoughts from his mind to focus on the sound of the waves. After a few minutes, Dean realized that Castiel was right because it was peaceful. He wanted to stay there forever when he felt Castiel’s hand wrap around his own.

Castiel let Dean’s arm fall around him when they watched television that night and even folded into his arms halfway into the program. It was progress and Dean felt like he achieved something monumental when Castiel even pushed against his side that night in bed.

Dean rubbed his hand over Castiel’s arm. “Night, Cas.”

“Goodnight, Dean,” Castiel yawned. “Thank you for today.”

“It was a pretty good day, wasn’t it?” Dean said, taking his hand off of Castiel’s arm to turn off the lamp on his nightstand. Castiel nodded once and curled up against him. Dean wrapped his arm around Castiel again. “Sleep well.”

Dean woke up the next morning to an empty bed. He stretched slowly and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes then noticed the figure cowering in the corner. Dean’s eyes widened when he saw that it was Castiel. He looked terrified and he realized that his memory was gone again.

Castiel’s voice shook as he wrapped his arms tighter around his legs. “Who are you?”

“I’m Dean Winchester,” Dean’s words were slow as he kept his eyes on Castiel, not making a move. “I’m your husband.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed. “I don’t have a husband.”

The list of incurable diseases ran through Dean’s mind as he tried to gather his bearings. He should have thought about this, he should have told Castiel to sleep in the other room, he should have done something to… he didn’t know. He took a deep breath and the list of ways to diffuse the situation before Castiel’s panic rose began in place of the list of incurable diseases. Things could have been worse.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! You can find me on tumblr [here.](http://ultravioletcastiel.tumblr.com/)


End file.
